Stuck In Neutral

So I was reflecting upon the proudest moments in my life and there are a few- being named News Writer of the Year, my senior thesis show, graduating college, seeing the team I worked for win a championship. Last night, another proud moment happened and I need to share it! See, when a team wins a championship, the players and staff get rings. Opening night was last night and my former boss congratulated me and presented me with this enormous ring! This is a proud moment for me because I worked really hard last year and I loved working with the team and the staff. Plus…how many people do you know that EVER get a championship ring? This ring is so boss and I’m going to cherish it forever. It even has my name on the side.

I’m pretty sure every woman, at least any woman who’s having decent sex, has queefed at some point. In case you live under a rock, “queefing” is when your vajayna makes a fart noise during, or after a roll in the hay. Here’s what happens- you get all hot and bothered then your vajine expands to make room for your dude’s peen which can cause air to go into a place where it isn’t typically. So how can you avoid this embarrassing sound?

1) Don’t have sex. Ever.

2) Avoid switching positions.

3) Have your guy make shallow strokes.

4) Avoid positions that involve elevated hips or your legs in the air.

5) Abandon doggy style completely. Face down, ass up invites air into your vajayjay.

What? These all sound like awful, terrible ideas that will make your sex life horrible and boring? Yeah, that’s so true. So how about instead of avoiding the queef, you embrace it? Any guy worth giving your goodies to should just be able to ignore it and realize that it’s a natural occurrence and not be an immature asshole. Anyway, maybe he’s doing it wrong if it doesn’t happen every once in a while…